Certified Human: Only If You’re Somebody’s Man
These days how important it has become to be somebody’s man! If you aren’t somebody’s man, you aren’t even worthy of being called a human being. Mark my words — you might be a two-legged animal, but you’re not a man. Everywhere you look, somebody is somebody’s man.
Job, promotion, degree, ration, vazifa, award — all of them belong to people who are somebody’s man. Even in my OPD every second patient turns out to be somebody’s man. Patients come in and the doctor only needs to take a quick look and note, “Ah — we too are, you see, somebody’s man.” Of course the doctor will give medical advice, but will he provide bhav (that little extra attention)? Will he even offer some chai? If not, then you must call the people who have men — and the phones ring:
“Hey, we had sent our man! Tell me, weren’t you paying attention? Our man was about to die and you left him standing outside in line for two hours? Doctor sahib, what happened to insaniyat (humanity)?”
I said, “Your man had been getting treatment elsewhere for 45 days; he came here only for a second opinion. What’s the emergency?” But no — you can’t call everyone netaji’s man, right!
I noted down that man’s name and address — I thought I’d remember next time. When he returned, we honored him properly. We seated him, listened proudly to his four boasts, tolerated the curses from the long line of patients outside, and offered him chai. While ordering the tea by phone I even heard the sharp words escaping from Mrs. Sahib’s irritated mouth! After taming her with difficulty, I phoned netaji:
“Netaji, your man came; today we gave him special attention!”
We were secretly hoping we ourselves might become netaji’s man. Maybe the rust on years-old pending files at our hospital would be removed. But the dice turned the other way!
Netaji exploded —
“Who is our man? You entertained the wrong man! That fellow isn’t our man anymore — he joined the other party. The scoundrel!”
Ahh! Even “somebody’s man” — you never know where they’ll hang the tag — they should really wear a little tag: whose man are you, eh? One day they switch sides and you don’t even notice. Whoever gets their work done by you — that is the person they’ll become the man of.
Look: if you live among the crowd of the aam aadmi, you will be trampled. There only numbers matter — an arithmetic number whose value is nothing but a vote. A number that might show up in newspaper statistics but whose name will never appear anywhere. Rub your heels raw, go round in circles, stand in long lines. If numbers are to be processed quickly, it will be only for those who are somebody’s man.
You think — earn money, buy a fancy car and bungalow, make a status, get into the VIP ranks! Then what? Even the “special man” is no better than the aam aadmi! They too rub their heels — running to offices for a host of licenses for their factories, hospitals, establishments, going around inspection teams under the pretense of compliance.
In the license raj neither the aam aadmi nor the special man will be spared. Only somebody’s man will be spared.
Which someone’s man you become — that will be decided by time, place and circumstances. Suppose you want some work done by a government clerk but you claim to be the “man of the defeated MLA” — then, brother, the dice will land against you! Your bribe bundle won’t even work. Need a transfer done? You must be the man of the sitting MLA!
So always keep your face like a blank sheet of paper. So that when the time comes you can smear any man’s kalikh (political soot) on your face as needed.
Now how to become somebody’s man — you and I both know. Put half the energy you spend pleading directly for something into cultivating the man whose finger is pressing down on the official you need to move.
• Who can hang the sword of transfer over an officer? — Not the MLA! Grab that MLA!
• Need work done through doctors, traders? — Then get hold of the Income Tax people!
• Want free goods or concessions delivered to your home? — Then get hold of the Sales Tax people!
One man can be the man of ten offices!
Now practice bahupati pratha — have ten patrons! But be careful — the patrons might fight among themselves like cats and dogs. So don’t let one patron know about the other!
“Let not this hand know what the other hand is scratching!”
Anyway, God gave us two pairs of hands and feet, a tongue, a nose — why else, tell me — if not to become somebody’s man? Put the body’s different parts to work:
• Lie at somebody’s feet…
• Rub your tongue against somebody’s favor…
• Rub your nose…
• Give dandavat pranam…
There! You become somebody’s man.
And yes — as proof, please do not present evidence that will become trouble later. Arrange a little jugaad — get a photograph taken showing that you are somebody’s man!
But don’t keep all the photos together! From home take out only the photo needed for the particular job.
I’ll share a few tricks for getting such photos — the kind that make it look like you were always by the official’s side. Latch onto a netaji or an officer like a shadow and wait! Wait for him to cut a ribbon, plant a sapling, or distribute bananas — at such events, pushing up through the crowd, wriggling up from under, find some way to get your head next to netaji. And yes, make sure your hand is on netaji’s hand — that will seal the proof that you are indeed his man.
I’ll tell you a worker’s trick — maybe it will be useful to you. Netaji was seated on the stage, and one poor worker had been trying for days to get a photo with him as proof. Suddenly an idea struck. That worker’s basic job was serving netaji tea, bringing snacks, and sweeping the office. On the stage his skill came in handy.
He told one of his own men — yes, those who are themselves somebody’s men often rear a few men of their own — “Brother, stand below and take the photo when I signal.” The man stood by with a mobile to catch the right shot.
Netaji’s speech hadn’t even begun when he signaled for tea. The worker rushed up and whispered in his ear, “Sahab, how many spoons of sugar in the tea?” — and that very instant the photo signal was given. The next day the picture went viral on social media — Netaji and his special adviser in deep consultation.
There are other methods too.
If you know some unique ways, tell me so I too can become somebody’s man! 😆
— डॉ. मुकेश ‘असीमित’
मेरी व्यंग्यात्मक पुस्तकें खरीदने के लिए लिंक पर क्लिक करें – “Girne Mein Kya Harz Hai” और “Roses and Thorns”
Notion Press –Roses and Thorns
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